This isn't school, this is a prison term!

Holy moly...school bites.

Just finished my 3rd week of class and still asking myself why I did this. For the sake of my sanity, I am no longer calling this adventure "school", I will now refer to it as "my prison term". I am not sure what I was found guilty of to endure this kind of punishment, I haven't killed anyone, haven't sold drugs at the local elementary school yard, I can't even say that I have stole a pack of Parliament Lights or a quick guzzle from the slushy machine from Apoo at the kwikie mart. So why? What have I done that is so bad? Okay, maybe my niece Gail and I have gone a smidgen too far once in a while, but I am almost sure that I will be punished for that in the afterlife. So I ask you...why?

Monday through Friday, at 8:10 am, I walk into a room that I am sure that Helen Keller decorated on one of her bad days, only to find 28 other women dressed in identical outfits consisting of a white scrub top, followed by blue scrub pants. Maybe a fad? Maybe they are all trying to help a new designer get a new line launched? Maybe I am just delusional or maybe my eyesight is declining after years of not wearing sunglasses at the pool? After surveying the room, wondering what the name of the color of the cinder blocks are painted...is that maybe a dirty yellow? would you consider that color "paste"? I quietly decide to call it "wintry hospital smoothie". I need something fantastic in my life and if it boils down to a nice paint name, then so be it!

So, here I am standing in this "wintry hospital smoothie" room, wondering if I have died and gone straight to hell without even be granted the "really, I didn't mean it God" interview, when I hear "CLANK!"....what the heck?.....I turn around, I see the sliding bars, darkness surrounding me, dropping down into a chair, blindly feeling my way across my desk top only to find my torn chunk of day old bread and tin cup filled with stagnant water. As tears stain my cheeks I now remember this!---I thought this was just a bad dream that I had been having because of the nacho cheese dorito/oreo/cottage cheese/spam sandwich dinner combo last night! Ooooh noooo....this?---this is my life now! Ever seen that movie "groundhog day"? After the darkness seems to drift away like fog on a nice fall day, I squint, seeing the "warden" opening her Pharmacology book. NOOOOOOOOOOO!!! It doesn't do any good to scream at this point, it is over. Not even one of my infamous "throw myself on the floor, foot kicking, hand pounding" fits is going to help me now. Sigh. Sneaking a glance at the clock, I notice that the are pointing at 8:11. How did this all happen in less that 60 seconds? I try to refrain from looking at the clock again but can't understand how this all happened so quickly! I can't help myself, one more peek at the clock....AYEEEEEEEE!..The numbers on the clock have disappeared only to be replaced by the international symbol of eternity!

My first day of prison, I choose to sit in the very back of the room, closest to the door. I was strictly basing my choice on the thought if there was a fire in this room, what is the closest "out"? Now I am thinking "when I start the fire....I will be the first out" AND the first to close the door behind me! Sorry, every man for himself theory is now my creed.

The warden jars my attention by speaking in tongue. I know this might seem shocking..tongue you ask? Yes, it went something like this....

If Mr. Sphincter comes into the hospital complaining of painful urination and the doctor instructs you to give him 500,000 units of Ohtylisnlimaimine but you only have a bottle of the generic Pyxtropanobailate that has the total volume of 1 gram after diluting it with 1.4 milliliters of normal saline, how many micrograms would you inject into him and where? And how many total doses would be left in the vial after dispensing this under the drs. orders "q6hr unless adverse reactions....."

What?

Is that French? Piglatin? What?

I figure this is a good time for me to grab a quick catnap. Uh oh, she is looking at me...oh no...oh boy, I don't think I am going to be able to con my way out of this one. Yes, I can nail almost any job interview by faking all kinds of skills that I do not possess but this? nope, don't think so.

"So, Kelley, how would we start this equation?" Okay, time for me to plan my escape. I grab my plastic spoon from my Hello Kitty lunch box, planning to tunnel my way through say...oh I don't know, possibly 2 foot of cement underlying the tiled floors, possibly 10000 yards out to my Mercedes in the parking lot? I don't think that's going to work. I think quickly...c'mon, c'mon Kelley, you can do this....you can get out of this! YOU GO GIRL! I know I have to move quickly, I have to come up with something fast....okay here it is....I will make myself throw up all over my desk and person in front of me. I figure that maybe she can do me the same favor at a later date.....maybe on a test day? C'mon girl, you had a big bowl of Cocoa Puffs this morning covered with one day past the date of human consumption milk poured all over it...you can do this! I panic, it's not coming up! What am I going to do? C'mon think! She isn't going to let you stall too much longer! AHA! The old "uh oh, I think my insulin pump has quit working" con. YES! Just on a side note...for all of you that feel sorry for me because I am diabetic...don't. At times like these, I consider myself lucky. Anyway, I am just about to blurt this out, you know, the "OH MY GAAAAWD.......my pump!! My pump has quit working!!! OH MY!! EMERGENCY!!! call 911!!!" when I remember, crap, the warden is a nurse. Of all the luck. I quietly admit that I don't know how to start the equation. Did I just hear a gasp from the girl in the second row, 3 seats back? Creepy little girl anyway, she probably stayed up studying till 10 last night, ate some kind of healthy yogurt snack, brushed her teeth, said her prayers and went to bed after removing her make up. Yeah, whatever....I'll see her after school! If you are going to gasp, I am going to...

Okay, the clock has started to move again. It is lunch time! WOOHOO!! Of the 45 minutes that we are allowed to eat, I spend 41 minutes of that time trying to get out of the parking lot among the other 4.8 million people trying to escape. While waiting patiently in traffic behind the boys attending the vocational auto fix em up program, I realize that every one of them has WAY too much rubber on their tires or maybe it is part of their grade to see how much rubber they can lay on the way out of the lot. Either way, I am assuming that it is going to be a fight to the end to see who graduates Summa Cum Laude from this class. They all excel at this test! Okay so I am out of the parking lot, happily on my way to McDonalds when I glance at the clock. CRIPES...time to turn around and go back. No lunch for me today. Well I think I spotted some ABC gum on the bottom of my desk earlier when I was trying to hide under it if called upon for another Pharmacology question. I am seriously hoping that it is one of those kinds that has long lasting flavor, not an old piece of Juicy Fruit that no longer is capable of being Juicy nor the capacity of being fruity. ugh. When I get back to the dungeon, the girl in front of me is having more fun than that of a being contender at the national tiddly winks competition with her gum only to find out that that was the piece I had already called dibs on! What else could happen today? I am hungry, I am stupid, I don't want to be here.....now my freaking ABC gum has been lifted! Note to self....I will not throw up on the girl in front of me next time we have a pop quiz. no sirree...you're on your own baby! I secretly bow my head and pray she chokes on it. CHOKE? CRAP!!!----I could have pretended to choke when the warden asked me about that question!! Why didn't I think of that earlier???? Now, it comes to me! sigh.

I don't think I need to go any further explaining the rest of the day. No reason rehashing the past. I have earned a weekend pass and I am freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!! Free until, I have to open my books and read some ridiculous amount of reading and making of 9, 673 drug cards. Yes, I have earned a weekend pass that equates to the pleasure of having hemorrhoids.

Have a nice weekend.

One week down, 30 some to go

Wow, passed bed baths with flying colors and now onto vitals and changing the occupied bed. Yes, I can see the green in your eyes. You might laugh but you try to unmake and remake an occupied bed with a 300 pound mannequin in it! Let me give you some idea of what it is like. Try eating an elephant in one bite or maybe trying to smuggle a piece of lunch meat past my dogs kennell without them noticing. How about trying to replace my Frito's at lunch with broccoli? Sure, you try it and see how easy it is!

Today we practiced vital signs. Consists of temperature taking, orally and earrally. WHAT??!! Earrally isn't a word? Anyway, then onto pulse, blood pressure and respiration. So we are going over all this intriguing material (zzzzzzzzzzz) and the teacher asks me if I need alcohol. Ummm...what? Okay, now I am thinking HECK YES! Bring on the strawberry margarita's, a little salt on the rim of the specimen cup and let's party! Man, who knew nursing school would be as much fun as a drink and drown Friday night! Bring it on baby! First round is on me! I figure that I couldn't get any worse on vitals so maybe a few daiquiris wouldn't hurt the situation at all! So bring it on, fill up the emesis basin and I will take the diaphragm off my stethoscope and use the tubing for a straw! Yes sirree.....I have no idea on earth at this point why there is a nursing shortage! For heavens sake----all my friends are going to hop on this bandwagon! Uh oh....after my face lit up like a kids on Christmas Day, POP!---bubble burst. Yes, the teacher follows up on my order of two olives, dirty, shaken not stirred with.......sigh.....alcohol to wipe the thermometer off with. I KNEW IT! I knew there was a catch! Cripes, just my luck. Now not only do I not get to drink at school, I have to clean up some mercury filled, slobbery germ stick! hmmmph! Here is the worst part of all this story.....I don't even drink. Of course, I am fairly certain that if I stay in nursing school crack will become part of my morning routine. Oh and on that note, hospitals are starting to regulate narcotics even more now. It will soon be that ONLY RN's and DRS can drop narcotics into the mouths of the people I refer to as "the lucky ones". Yep, no more Med Aids, no more LPNS, no more high school students, and no more dirty cops can hook you up to the best, most addictive drugs known to man. Oh wait, those last two were illegal to begin with, and make gazillions of dollars whereas the other two professions who make minimum wage, feet the size of Tulsa after their 12 hour shifts, can no longer dispense narcs out of a gumball machine. Okay, what is that about? How am I suppose to make a side living if I can't smuggle illegal drugs out of the hospital? Did they really think I was willing to take a $17 hour job with no benefits other than the 10 percent discount in the employee cafeteria? WOOHOO the beanie wienie surprise is a discounted $2.43 for me today!!! So what now? Hey...psssssssst....(opening rain coat) wanna buy some new tongue depressers? How about some alcohol swabs for your little sister? Okay, I can see some of you are thinking about telling your husband, the newly appointed DEA agent that wants a few brownie points, "hey, I know this girl that is starting her own Walgreens out of the trunk of her car....", don't even think about it. I was only kidding. I would never steal drugs from the hospital...they count those things. Really, think about it, if I was going to do that I would work in the Alzheimer's unit and just tell them they already took the med while I pocket it. Duh! STOP IT!-----I AM KIDDING! But if you need something call me at 555-drug. I'M KIDDING!!! Get over it!

So, I am still in school and have successfully completed 7 days now. I have only considered dropping out 5,678,989 times. Oops sorry, James said there was an addition 4 times to that but I really don't think I can count one of them because it was in one of my dreams where I dropped out of nursing school to become a pinball wizard. WARNING...I cannot be responsible if you now have that song replaying in your head for the next 35 hours.

I have until Friday to get my money back on my books and only be charged 10% tuition. I haven't decided yet to stay or go (the pinball wizard sounded pretty good to me) but I told myself that I would flip a coin tomorrow to determine my fate. So far in my life I have always weighed the pros and cons and that is how I made my decisions. Let me say, I have now scientifically proven that, that is no way to determine anything. Always, always, leave it up to someone else so you can blame them later or take old Abe for a ride on the "FingerCoaster" and it's either heads or tails. 50/50 chance. Then go for the the best three outta five if it doesn't go your way. You can do this until Abe's copper covering is worn down to a melted pit of unknown alloys for all I care just don't do this yourself or someone, somewhere, some time will say "You only did this to yourself". OH SHUT UP! BITE ME!

Later this week I have a math test. Not too worried about it. All questions like "If a patient is to take a med 3 times a day for one week, how many pills should the pharmacy give him?" My answer is 8. I know this isn't correct but 8 is my favorite number so I figure at some point, it will be the right number. And why should I have to answer this anyway? I am not a pharmacist! Doesn't a pharmacist have to have as much schooling as a brain surgeon? Okay, if the pharmacist has to depend on me, the LPN to multiply 3 x 7, shouldn't he be asking their customer if they would like to SuperSize their fries? WAAAAAAAAit a minute....that would be funny...go to Walgreens, get a refill for morphine and the pharmacist says "would you like to supersize that?" "Heck yes!"

Oh my, I thought that was funny, tomorrow I will wonder what I was thinking...I think I need sleep. I feel like I have slumber party syndrome. You girls know...after staying up until 4 am, anything is funny? Even your own frozen bra is good for a giggle? ugh. Good night.

Rule Wednesday

Ah yes, I was wondering when the school would get around to the rules. Today was my lucky day, the day I was anticipating!

Don't get me wrong, I am all about rules. I approve whole heartedly on rules like:

---no guns or switchblades
---no sexual harrassment
---uniforms must be clean
---no alcohol or drug abuse
---no visable cleavage (I think that should include not only upper front but lower rear but hey, I don't make the rules) Of course this shouldn't be too much of a problem...I didn't see a Plumber Program.
---I can even make the exception on the 12 mph on campus grounds...don't really like it but...don't know that any car will only go 12 mph but...yes, I have been behind the occasional '98 Oldsmobiles and Buicks on the highway that only seem to go 12 but....

Anyway, you get my point. I can understand and abide by most rules. Notice I state...MOST. First, before I go into too much detail, for those of you who know me, I am 47 years old. Today they said that we could not leave campus before class is released at 2:55 UNLESS we go to the office and get a permission slip to leave. So, in other words, if I have a doctors appointment at say 3:15 and I need to leave at 2:50, I will need to leave class 15 minutes early to walk clear down to the office to get my permission slip to walk clear accross campus to get in my car just to leave 5 minutes early at the age of 47. Hmmmm....the next rule was all based on attendance issues. Well didn't you just say how important it was for my butt to be in class every day, all day but now I have to waste the last half an hour of the class day to get a permission slip to leave 5 minutes early??? Maybe tomorrow we will get the details of the class skating party! My mom can drive us if your dad can pick us up!

As the rules progressed we were on to HIPAA rules. Good rules. I am sure all of us are quite aware that I can't say who is in the hospital for rehab, you don't want me telling everyone that your mother bit the technician who tried to take blood, etc. So that is a good rule. But so help me, if I see Elvis or MJ in any of our wards, I am blabbing to the first rag mag that I can find that talks 7 digits. Sorry folks but I can be bought.

Being back in school brings back so many memories....just today one classmate stated that he was on a med that made him feel homicidal. No, not suicidal, HOMICIDAL. Needless to say, I gave him my PB&J sandwich and milk money immediately and then continued by stuffing myself in my locker to save him the time and trouble. Ahh yes, just like being a Freshman all over again!

Another memory just shot off one of my remaining neurons....class President, Treasurer, etc will be picked in less that 4 weeks! Right after I get my permission slip to leave for my doctors appointment next Monday, I am going to race home and grab my tempera and paint my posters! If anyone wants to help me, feel free to ask your mom if you can go out on a school night and let's party! Root beer Shastas on me!

Are you asking yourself now if I am the proud owner of some bitterness where the rules come in to play? Okay yes. It's kind of like the seat belt laws. I don't get it. If I want to take the chance of being smashed in my own car, then so be it. My passengers should also have the right to take that gamble. My sister would assume that any of you that have ridden with me behind the wheel (and are #1-- still alive and #2--not taking some serious mediciations because of the Post Tramatic Syndrome issues) is like taking your car title to Vegas but that is her story, not mine. Yes, I always wear my seat belt but should it be a law if I want to lick the front grill of a Mack truck? Hmmmm....I don't think so.

Anyway, Rules Wednesday was kind of a dissapointment. It made me angry, it made me question if I should change schools, (maybe I shouldn't have chosen a correctional school as my first choice...just kidding), become a total rebel and cross that fine line and drive 14 mph in the lot and see what happens, or just abide by the rules and be a good girl.

I have until tomorrow afternoon at 2:55 to drop out without cost. Of course that makes me wonder that if I decide at 2:15 to take a walk out to my car, drive away and never go back...do I still have to stop for that permission slip?

Today I gave my first bed bath to a full sized mannequin. As you will remember back to yesterday, I had Lefty, my first amputee. After studying dilligently last night on bed baths, I got stuck with the same mannequin but I now believe in miracles. Upon entering the lab, I had built up such a rapport with Lefty yesterday, I went to his bedside to see how his bowling team was doing without him. I pulled back the covers and SHAZAM! His hand was underneath the top sheet! I immediately broke down into tears and assured him that everything was going to be okay. Now you ask yourselves....what did I do? I realize that I am only 3 days into school at this point but I took it upon myself to reattach the hand. YES! All by myself I was responsible for getting this small child back on his bowling league!! It felt so gratifying! I had saved someone from having to resort to the chess team and back on the road to a full bowling scholarship. It was unbelievable! The rush! So, onto my full mannequin. Not a good story. After following the "bath rules" one by one, I get down to the instruction of lifting the breast and cleaning the fold. No problem. OH IT IS IF YOUR BREAST IS BEING HELD TO YOUR CHEST BY WORN OUT VELCRO! Needless to say, it went flying accross the bed only to land in the hand of Lefty.....just kidding, it just kind of flopped on the ground, under the bed. I am not sure if I got counted down for this or not but if so I will probably not be needing a permission slip to leave the campus.

Better luck tomorrow I guess.

Day 2

Okay, here I am on day 2 of LPN school. I realize that day 2 is probably not an ideal time to start this report but since day 1 was worse...well, I have to start somewhere. At the end of day 1, I was considering becoming an underwater welder.

I am SURE that all of you are wondering what miraculous procedures I learned today. Was it the absolute wonder of childbirth? How about a rousing afternoon of surgical techniques? Perhaps a small, but life saving toe amputation and all the exciting wound care involved with it? Oh heavens no...no siree, my morning was so stimulating that I am not sure of what happened. Maybe it was all the hand washing and........whoa!----hand washing! That was it! We learned how to wash our hands correctly. I am now wondering how I have lived 47 years washing my hands incorrectly? Thank you Lord for the immune system!

In the afternoon I was literally so stimulated by bed making that I thought for sure that I would rush right home and "miter corner" my own sheets! However the wild rush that I got from the afternoon session of "bed baths" wore me down too much to come home to fan fold my sheets. Darn the rush...it's like drinking 4 red bulls at lunch only to come home to warm milk before bed.

Yes, the bed bath, well what else can I say? My dummy patient was a small child missing his left hand. I named him Lefty until I was informed by the teacher that we should never....never....ummmmm...what was the word? Not mock, not tease....hmmmm....not...oh yeah...belittle our clients. By the way it is no longer patients.....CLIENTS. I don't know how I feel about saying "I gave my 10 year old, one handed client a bed bath today". It either sounds kinky or more along the lines of a prostitution??? I am not sure.

What I am sure of prostitutes probably make more money AND their income isn't taxed. Some other benefits would include that LPN's are probably exposed to more diseases vs a few STDS, 12 hour shifts vs one hour shifts, and being yelled at by egomaniac doctors vs being spanked lovingly by the egomaniac doctor and getting a c note tip left on the bedside table instead of a complimentary urine specimen in a cup left for the nurse, not too mention being on your feet all day vs...well I don't need to comment on that comparison.

So you say, why did you pick this vocation? Digging deep into my heart to find the answer to this puzzling question......I have no idea. Ugh. Maybe because it is the only thing I haven't tried?? I have no idea. From Dairy Queen to Vickers Gas Station Attendant to accounting in more than my share of factories, well, I still haven't found where I belong I guess.

L.P.N.= Low Paying Nobody. I have always held this title no matter where I have been employed but now I am dedicating the next 10 months, thousands of dollars, nights of reading fascinating chapters on sebaceous glands and pressure ulcers for what?

I don't know. Stay tuned and maybe I will come up with an answer.

If not, be prepared, you never know what might be next?? Mall cop? Town Crier? How about stray coin collector...you know...walking around looking in telephone booth coin return slots? Do they even have public phones that accept coins anymore? Maybe an official piglatin translator? The possibilities are endless!