Aaaaaah, today is my birthday. I love my birthday. I love it so much that I have a pre and post-birthday months. So actually my birthday celebration starts February 22nd and goes through April 22nd. I love my birthday to the degree that when I become President, I will make March 22nd a National Holiday...yes with capital letters! And no one...NO ONE else will be allowed to have this day as their birthday.
My husband wants to roll his eyes at the emphasis I put on my birthday but not in front of me, as he actually knows that this would limit HIS own birthdays!
I have always placed everyones birthday on the 22nd of whatever month they were born on so I can remember it. So, let's say your birthday is June 8th....now your bday is June 22nd. Born on September 28th? Nope, it's now September 22nd. Born on August 22nd? You are good...bday August 22nd. Born on March 22nd? I DON'T THINK SO! You can either move it to the 21st or the 23rd, take your pick but unh uh...NOT the 22nd. That is my day, not yours. That is the way it is, sorry.
Birthday parties when I was young consisted of pink bows and delicious homemade cakes, topped off by me throwing fits because I couldn't win all the prizes that were given away for games. Wellllllllllll...it was MY birthday, why aren't all the gifts for me??? My mom put my hair up in a pretty bow, brand new dress, invited every little girl within a five mile radius of our house over to present me with the latest Barbie, telephone key chain, klackers, etc. My grandma Elsie always gave me a $5 dollar bill and a little trinket of some sort. One time my Uncle Bob sent me a really cool doll house that had all these separate rooms with tiny themes in each one. There were the three bears room, hmmmm....that is the only ones I can remember now. Anyway, it was huge and it rocked! I still have the little bears in my trinket box.
Now, for the interesting birthday parties as an adult....
Years ago my sister Kris had a brilliant idea! "Let's have a kids birthday party for you Kelley"!!! Great idea! Bravo Kris! It will rock!! As some of you who have attended my birthday parties, you might not want to read this.
Here is my disclaimer:
I, Kelley Robinson, will not be responsible for any therapy sessions for PTSD , bed wetting, drug addictions, suicidal thoughts, etc caused by reading the following sections.
Let's start at the beginning, the "Alien Party".
The Alien party was great! Kris had tied little plastic, glow in the dark aliens to helium balloons. By the end of the evening, the aliens had traveled into the bathroom and were all hovering over the toilet. Upon arrival, each guest was given a roll of aluminum foil to build a hat out of. Of course this was to be worn as "protection" from the mother ship. Oh my goodness, Pat spent half the evening constructing his hat and Sue...ah, Sue actually wore hers home because she thought it was cool (she was fearful she would get pulled over by the police and have to explain the hat...I told her not to call me, I would say I had never heard of her). She wore that hat for the next week in the privacy of her own home. Sue, you are priceless! On a scale from 1 to 10, 10 being the best...this party was a 428, nope no decimal 428, it was great!!! Ever heard the saying "stop while you are ahead"? Read on...
I think the "Artist" party was next.
As peeps walked in the door, the rec'd a nice gift of a French artist tam along with Kris penciling on a mustache on your face. Oh, oui oui! Each party participant rec'd a few 3" by 3" tiles, paint, brushes, etc. They were to paint on these tiles and Kris would kiln them, baking the paint on, and then make a table out of them to celebrate my 40th birthday. Well, we still have the tiles, that was 8 years ago and the table is still...I don't where. Party scale...I rated it 5.
Next party, the "It's All About Me".
The invites, the plates, the cups, the everything! had my picture on it. I had a cape, a crown, a thrown. It was all about me. At all of my adult bday parties, each guest was asked to bring me a $1 gift...no more, no less. One year I got this cool thing that I put in my mouth and it glowed...it was cool. This year everyone brought their gifts as usual but upon arrival they each got a gift and told not to open them. After cake and ice cream I turned the All About Me party over to Sue (who had said for years that she had never had a birthday party). I gave her my crown, cape, etc and it turned into HER birthday party (her bday was in January)! I had gone out and bought enough gifts (handed out randomly as guests walked in) so that each person gave Sue a birthday gift! Among the silly putty, Pez candy dispensers, etc, was a red boa bra. One of my guests named Myron had taken Sue out a few times and Sue was kind of freaked out because Myron had drove by her house a few times...she thought he was stalking her! Anyway, we all started giving Sue her gifts and low and behold Myron was the one who ended up with the red boa bra....it was a scream! Of course Sue thought that Myron had picked out that gift and that just added to her paranoia. I explained later and she found a smidgen of humor in it. Party rating, I had to give it a 6.9, the 6 for the bra misunderstanding.....0.9 for the actual party.
Next..."Bunko Party"
Holy cow...what a disaster. If it were .000000000001 worse, I would honestly have to say that I would rather attend cock fighting or a baby seal clubbing event. No one knew how to play Bunko so we just ended up hurling the dice at each other and well....it was ugly. Party rating....0.0. It was ugly I tell ya.
Last one...."Barbie Party"
Yep, sounded like a good idea...but wasn't. A week before the party we mailed everyone a dollar tree "barbie" as their invite. They were suppose to decorate it, bring it back to the party and they would be judged on creativity and could win prizes. Can you say DISASTER??? All party participants looked as though they were about to open a vein after about 3 minutes. The highlight of that party was when the neighbors house caught on fire and that gave everyone an excuse to leave so they would not be overcome by the fumes...even though the house was about 3 miles away from the farm house. On their departing gift goody bags we lined them with a piece of paper...an opt out. For $20 (to be given to the Humane Society for donation) they could pay and be promised they would not be invited nor feel obligated that they had to come to another one of my stinky parties again for the next 10 years. I have never seen checks being filled out so fast in my life!!!! Party rating....-2.8. Yep minus 2.8. The only reason I didn't go lower was because there were fire trucks.
So anyway, there you have it. My birthday is almost over for this year, a few more hours left for me to stew that nobody gave me a nice summer house in the Hamptons. Oh well, I did get some good stuff this year and thanks goes out to my mom for not flushing me down the toilet when I was little...I am sure there were plenty of times she wished she would have!
Kelley the 48 year old.
Monday, March 22, 2010
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Change that to NPN
Yes sirree, I have gone from LPN to NPN. We all know that LPN stand for licensed practical nurse, AKA Low Paid Nobody and now for the NPN=No Pay Nobody. Okay, so I dropped out of LPN school because a light bulb went off in my head...AHA! Open a cupcake store! It will be fun! It will be great $$!!! It will be all your dreams come true, all contained in less than 800 square feet in a sea of brown and pink! YEAH! YEAH!!!!
NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Let me start with saying the $$ are not great. I haven't seen a penny...wait that's not true, I did find a dime, permanently stuck to the floor behind the sea of pink and brown. I also saw hundreds of dollars leaving with the plumbers, refrigeration repairmen, insurance company, etc.
But it's all about the fun right? Right. Let me see...the fun. Yeah. I haven't found any "fun" permanently stuck anywhere yet. All I have seen is frustration, frustration, and more frustration. 800 square feet of pink and brown frustration. Ugh.
I hate to make this entry all mean and icky sounding so let's get to the small fragment of fun that YUM has doled out in a very small quantity in the last three months.
STUPID QUESTIONS FROM CUSTOMERS:
#1
"How much are cookies?"
ANSWER: 85 Cents.
"EACH?"
ANSWER: No, no, 85 cents per truck load. They will be delivered to your driveway tomorrow at 8 A.M. Do you own a loader to get them into your kitchen? Or do you need me to provide a back hoe for you?
Stupid Question #2
"Could you please wash this out for me and fill it up with water for my kid? (lady holding baby bottle in front of my face). It's been rolling around in our car for months and it had milk in it and it's all gross."
ANSWER: Hell no.
Stupid Question #3
"Can you please rinse this off? (different day, different lady but kind of the same story) Lady is holding hot dog in front of her...states that her child has dropped it on the floor of the cafe."
ANSWER: Again, hell no.
Seriously???! This isn't your home lady, the five second rule does not apply here... 20,980,983 shoes have walked on that floor out there...why would you even.....oh never mind, I can't even go there.
Stupid Question #4
"I see this sign here says "CASH ONLY", do you not take credit cards?"
ANSWER: Yes, I take credit cards. I could take your # and order from Best Buy all day long if you don't mind but as far as the company goes...no we don't take credit cards. Cash only...of course we might have just put up that sign for fun....who knows?
Stupid Question #5
"Hello? Yes, do you sell cake and candy supplies?"
ANSWER: No, I am sorry, we just sell cakes.
"Well do you sell cinnamon oil, cause I need cinnamon oil for my Christmas candy?"
ANSWER: Yes, miraculously in the last 4 seconds we started selling cake and candy supplies. We didn't before that but I am glad that you stayed on the line because it's your lucky day!...our shipment just arrived!
Stupid Question #6
"Do you have any ketchup? I just went through McDonalds (holding up greasy sack of McNuggets) and they didn't put any in my bag?"
ANSWER: Yes, we do have ketchup.
"Can I have some?"
ANSWER: No. But thanks for bringing in food from another vendor...it does wonders for my business! Maybe next time you come by you could take orders and bring it for all of us! That way I don't have to stand behind this counter making sandwiches for everyone, we could just all order a #1 and satisfy our hunger with a Big Mac! THANKS!
Stupid Question #7
"Do you know why the store across the hall is closed on Mondays?"
ANSWER: Yes, aliens have abducted her but we don't want to alarm the general public so we put that sign up to throw you off.
Stupid Question #8
"Do you deliver cakes?"
ANSWER: I see that you are emailing me from Costa Rico. Ummmmmmmmmm.....
Stupid Question #9
"Are you hiring?"
ANSWER: Okay, this is really not a stupid question...however, screaming it from across the hall after yelling seven times " HEY LADY???" "ARE YOU HIRING?", is a really stupid question. Sure, walk about 20 more yards away and I will fold up the application into a paper airplane and fly it over to you. Fill it out and get it back to me ASAP cause you are just what I am looking for!
Stupid Question #10
"Do you have any drinks without caffeine? I am not supposed to have caffeine because of a test this afternoon at the Dr's office?"
ANWER: Yes, we have Sprite, CF Diet Coke, IBC Root Beer and Orange Crush.
"Oh well, I think I will just take a small coffee"
ANSWER: Okay, I am not going to ask if she wants reg or decaf so I pick up the orange handled coffee pot only to hear.....
"No, don't give me the decaf, I don't like that kind."
ANSWER: Okay. Hope your tests go good! BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!
So there you have it. I work about 849 hours per week for a paycheck that is written in disappearing ink and this is the thanks I get. Thanks for letting my kids spill glitter all over your floors, thanks for cleaning up both Sprites that spilled, thanks for providing seating for my kids pizza party brought in from Godfathers before they go to dance class, thanks for letting me cancel my cupcake order the day before I am to pick it up, thanks for...arrrrrggghhhhhh.
I have 11 months left on my lease.
NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Let me start with saying the $$ are not great. I haven't seen a penny...wait that's not true, I did find a dime, permanently stuck to the floor behind the sea of pink and brown. I also saw hundreds of dollars leaving with the plumbers, refrigeration repairmen, insurance company, etc.
But it's all about the fun right? Right. Let me see...the fun. Yeah. I haven't found any "fun" permanently stuck anywhere yet. All I have seen is frustration, frustration, and more frustration. 800 square feet of pink and brown frustration. Ugh.
I hate to make this entry all mean and icky sounding so let's get to the small fragment of fun that YUM has doled out in a very small quantity in the last three months.
STUPID QUESTIONS FROM CUSTOMERS:
#1
"How much are cookies?"
ANSWER: 85 Cents.
"EACH?"
ANSWER: No, no, 85 cents per truck load. They will be delivered to your driveway tomorrow at 8 A.M. Do you own a loader to get them into your kitchen? Or do you need me to provide a back hoe for you?
Stupid Question #2
"Could you please wash this out for me and fill it up with water for my kid? (lady holding baby bottle in front of my face). It's been rolling around in our car for months and it had milk in it and it's all gross."
ANSWER: Hell no.
Stupid Question #3
"Can you please rinse this off? (different day, different lady but kind of the same story) Lady is holding hot dog in front of her...states that her child has dropped it on the floor of the cafe."
ANSWER: Again, hell no.
Seriously???! This isn't your home lady, the five second rule does not apply here... 20,980,983 shoes have walked on that floor out there...why would you even.....oh never mind, I can't even go there.
Stupid Question #4
"I see this sign here says "CASH ONLY", do you not take credit cards?"
ANSWER: Yes, I take credit cards. I could take your # and order from Best Buy all day long if you don't mind but as far as the company goes...no we don't take credit cards. Cash only...of course we might have just put up that sign for fun....who knows?
Stupid Question #5
"Hello? Yes, do you sell cake and candy supplies?"
ANSWER: No, I am sorry, we just sell cakes.
"Well do you sell cinnamon oil, cause I need cinnamon oil for my Christmas candy?"
ANSWER: Yes, miraculously in the last 4 seconds we started selling cake and candy supplies. We didn't before that but I am glad that you stayed on the line because it's your lucky day!...our shipment just arrived!
Stupid Question #6
"Do you have any ketchup? I just went through McDonalds (holding up greasy sack of McNuggets) and they didn't put any in my bag?"
ANSWER: Yes, we do have ketchup.
"Can I have some?"
ANSWER: No. But thanks for bringing in food from another vendor...it does wonders for my business! Maybe next time you come by you could take orders and bring it for all of us! That way I don't have to stand behind this counter making sandwiches for everyone, we could just all order a #1 and satisfy our hunger with a Big Mac! THANKS!
Stupid Question #7
"Do you know why the store across the hall is closed on Mondays?"
ANSWER: Yes, aliens have abducted her but we don't want to alarm the general public so we put that sign up to throw you off.
Stupid Question #8
"Do you deliver cakes?"
ANSWER: I see that you are emailing me from Costa Rico. Ummmmmmmmmm.....
Stupid Question #9
"Are you hiring?"
ANSWER: Okay, this is really not a stupid question...however, screaming it from across the hall after yelling seven times " HEY LADY???" "ARE YOU HIRING?", is a really stupid question. Sure, walk about 20 more yards away and I will fold up the application into a paper airplane and fly it over to you. Fill it out and get it back to me ASAP cause you are just what I am looking for!
Stupid Question #10
"Do you have any drinks without caffeine? I am not supposed to have caffeine because of a test this afternoon at the Dr's office?"
ANWER: Yes, we have Sprite, CF Diet Coke, IBC Root Beer and Orange Crush.
"Oh well, I think I will just take a small coffee"
ANSWER: Okay, I am not going to ask if she wants reg or decaf so I pick up the orange handled coffee pot only to hear.....
"No, don't give me the decaf, I don't like that kind."
ANSWER: Okay. Hope your tests go good! BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!!!
So there you have it. I work about 849 hours per week for a paycheck that is written in disappearing ink and this is the thanks I get. Thanks for letting my kids spill glitter all over your floors, thanks for cleaning up both Sprites that spilled, thanks for providing seating for my kids pizza party brought in from Godfathers before they go to dance class, thanks for letting me cancel my cupcake order the day before I am to pick it up, thanks for...arrrrrggghhhhhh.
I have 11 months left on my lease.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
LLC, EIN, FEIN, Sub S, UCC..........what?
Okay, now I know why people don't go into business for themselves....first you have to get a law degree in order to know what you need to open anything!
I need to form an LLC, I need a EIN#, need to register name with state of KS, need a sales tax ID #, need food license, need, need, need. UGH! The only thing I don't need is....well, I am not sure! I actually had to contact a friend today to see which to do first! She is a lawyer, thank you Lord for making one of my best friends a lawyer. So I call her and she explains most of the stuff within a 33 minute time span but also adds that I need a contract, bill of sale, lease, lien something or another.......okay, why on earth did I call her? She just doubled my list of crap to do if I open this cafe/bakery. Do the Mennonites or Amish have to go through all this mumbo jumbo? If not, I am thinking it might be easier to join their church and then open this place.
I need a food wholesaler, I need to change all the utilities over into my name.......one more time, need, need, need.
How about my wants? I just want to paint a pretty sign that says open and go for it!
Give me a break, it is easier just to become a drug dealer. Get the stuff, sell it, buy an expensive car, move into a ridiculously expensive house, hire bodyguards, poof! you're done! Oh no, for those of us who want to open a legitimate place of business must jump through 4,356 hoops before we can even open a checking account with a business name on it. Something doesn't seem too fair about this. Let's face it, I will work harder, longer hours, not make a smidgen of what the drug dealer makes AND have to apply for 14 different licenses before I can even sell a freaking cupcake! Rules. I am starting to detest the word.
Today I spent my entire day cleaning larger than life dust bunnies from the corners of my home. Really, I thought at one point I could name some of these bunnies, declare them as dependents and claim them on my taxes! James spent the day at the Chiefs game. I cleaned, he played. So about 4 pm, I was happily (I mean disgruntled) starting on mopping the kitchen floor when James pulls up to the house from the game. I decide that he can take over, I mumble something about slavery in Kansas, I tell him that about the only thing I haven't gotten done is the mopping and sorting of 239,935 useless plastic items we have collected over the years, and I declare that I am stopping, taking a shower and we are going out to dinner. He comments that it looks like I have done alot today and dinner out is a good idea. So, I pop in the shower, noticing that is one other place that needs to be sandblasted, come out, dressed and ready to go and KNOWING that he would assume the mopping as his responsibility and I would walk out to the kitchen and it would be shining in all of its glory. Nope. There James sat watching another football game. Ummm...okay, the closest weapon to me is what? Ahhh, could I possible grab the razor blade out of the tub and get his carotid artery? Should I grab the toilet cleaner and try to sneak a few ounces in his Mountain Dew can? How about my curling iron, the cord around his neck? I can't believe he is just sitting there? Of course this morning before he left for the game, he was nice enough to bring his laundry basket out for me to run his dirty clothes through a spin or two....I am going to kill him. We get home from dinner around 8 pm, he claims the day exhausted him and he is going to bed. BED??!! Your clothes are still in the dryer and you are going to bed? Okie dokie, in the dryer the will stay. I understand that sitting in that football stadium is a hard job, but somebody has to do it and of course I had that all inclusive, fun filled day of cleaning so you go right ahead and go onto bed......I will be in with your pillow soon...........soon to be held over your face! We will see if you have enough stamina from that grueling pace you had to keep up all day to defend your life buddy! Oh alright, James works hard and he deserves a day of fun I guess so everyone starting to email me about killing him.......hold your horses.
Tomorrow Kris, mom and I are off to Kansas City for the day. I have signed up for a massage while Kris is at market and then off to lunch after that and then home to file LLC's, EIN's....whatever. Maybe the masseuse will kidnap me, hold me hostage forever, massage me into a coma and well who cares after that!
I need to form an LLC, I need a EIN#, need to register name with state of KS, need a sales tax ID #, need food license, need, need, need. UGH! The only thing I don't need is....well, I am not sure! I actually had to contact a friend today to see which to do first! She is a lawyer, thank you Lord for making one of my best friends a lawyer. So I call her and she explains most of the stuff within a 33 minute time span but also adds that I need a contract, bill of sale, lease, lien something or another.......okay, why on earth did I call her? She just doubled my list of crap to do if I open this cafe/bakery. Do the Mennonites or Amish have to go through all this mumbo jumbo? If not, I am thinking it might be easier to join their church and then open this place.
I need a food wholesaler, I need to change all the utilities over into my name.......one more time, need, need, need.
How about my wants? I just want to paint a pretty sign that says open and go for it!
Give me a break, it is easier just to become a drug dealer. Get the stuff, sell it, buy an expensive car, move into a ridiculously expensive house, hire bodyguards, poof! you're done! Oh no, for those of us who want to open a legitimate place of business must jump through 4,356 hoops before we can even open a checking account with a business name on it. Something doesn't seem too fair about this. Let's face it, I will work harder, longer hours, not make a smidgen of what the drug dealer makes AND have to apply for 14 different licenses before I can even sell a freaking cupcake! Rules. I am starting to detest the word.
Today I spent my entire day cleaning larger than life dust bunnies from the corners of my home. Really, I thought at one point I could name some of these bunnies, declare them as dependents and claim them on my taxes! James spent the day at the Chiefs game. I cleaned, he played. So about 4 pm, I was happily (I mean disgruntled) starting on mopping the kitchen floor when James pulls up to the house from the game. I decide that he can take over, I mumble something about slavery in Kansas, I tell him that about the only thing I haven't gotten done is the mopping and sorting of 239,935 useless plastic items we have collected over the years, and I declare that I am stopping, taking a shower and we are going out to dinner. He comments that it looks like I have done alot today and dinner out is a good idea. So, I pop in the shower, noticing that is one other place that needs to be sandblasted, come out, dressed and ready to go and KNOWING that he would assume the mopping as his responsibility and I would walk out to the kitchen and it would be shining in all of its glory. Nope. There James sat watching another football game. Ummm...okay, the closest weapon to me is what? Ahhh, could I possible grab the razor blade out of the tub and get his carotid artery? Should I grab the toilet cleaner and try to sneak a few ounces in his Mountain Dew can? How about my curling iron, the cord around his neck? I can't believe he is just sitting there? Of course this morning before he left for the game, he was nice enough to bring his laundry basket out for me to run his dirty clothes through a spin or two....I am going to kill him. We get home from dinner around 8 pm, he claims the day exhausted him and he is going to bed. BED??!! Your clothes are still in the dryer and you are going to bed? Okie dokie, in the dryer the will stay. I understand that sitting in that football stadium is a hard job, but somebody has to do it and of course I had that all inclusive, fun filled day of cleaning so you go right ahead and go onto bed......I will be in with your pillow soon...........soon to be held over your face! We will see if you have enough stamina from that grueling pace you had to keep up all day to defend your life buddy! Oh alright, James works hard and he deserves a day of fun I guess so everyone starting to email me about killing him.......hold your horses.
Tomorrow Kris, mom and I are off to Kansas City for the day. I have signed up for a massage while Kris is at market and then off to lunch after that and then home to file LLC's, EIN's....whatever. Maybe the masseuse will kidnap me, hold me hostage forever, massage me into a coma and well who cares after that!
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
uh hello? helloooooooooo? hellllllllllllllllllllllllooooooooooooo?
Uh does anybody hear me? Does anyone read this? Is this like the rest of my life where nobody listens? Oh well, if so, I still keep on talkin'. So, today was the day that the guy was supposed to call me with his last and final offer. Uhhhhh.....my phone didn't ring once today. Not the home phone, not my cell phone. ummmmmmmmmmm? hmmmmm......I stressed all stinkin' day over what? Tomorrow is the day that I tell him whether I want to buy the place or not and I don't have a price? ugh.........no, wait, not ugh ............ YAAWWEEEEEEEZAMMMAAAGAAAAAAAAAAHHHH ......... yep that is a full fledge scream. Man, I will tell you, I realize that I am not the most patient person on earth but come on.
Today was not my day. It was my sisters though! Her "almost new" computer (according to her, a three year old computer is the latest, greatest contraption on earth...we all know it is ready for the Smithsonian) crapped out. Of course we can all breath a sigh of relief because we all know that Kris has learned her lesson and has backed up all her records.......um nope, nope not my sister....she had nothing backed up but fortunately nothing of importance was on her computer of three years. So she got lucky because this morning it suddenly reversed it's boo boo and is once again the "little computer that could".
I want to go to sleep however I can't because of all the scary thoughts passing through my gates of brainland. I have sucked down my usual amount of sleeping aids and still nothing. I avoided all caffeine products since early noon, nothing. I ate a sensible dinner, not too much, still....nothing. I think I will call that guy about 3 a.m. and say "hey, you are ruining my dream cycle tonite so I thought I would call you and ruin yours". No, I am not bitter...where did you get an idea like that? I just can't sleep and I really can't even think of anything to write about so I am just rambling. I think I just heard my one follower click on her escape button so she could go run with the #49 sheep and then onto #50 and ugh.........I am already on 232,222,984,999 sheep and still nothing. No fair you one follower you.....you get back here and suffer along with me like any good friend would. tee hee
Maybe I should talk about road rage. I seem to excel at this illness. C'mon peeps, this is one of my pet peeves. In fact let's just go over my pet peeves.
#1 gum snapping. There is no reason to try to get $87 dollars worth of fun out of every nickel sized stick of gum...really.
#2 Passholes. yep, got a P on the front of the bad word. These are peeps that get in the passing lane on the highway and do everything BUT pass. They text, they eat their McDonalds breakfast wrap, they balance their checkbooks, they scream at their children, they rearrange their latest hair fashion, they read the latest edition of the Readers Digest, they cook a small meal on the way to the ballpark, they brush their teeth, they talk to the morning DJ...yep, they do everything but PASS. It must be some kind of road challenge to keep pace with the 127 year old man driving in the right hand lane. Seriously, I can follow someone 12 miles and they don't budge outta that left lane until there exit is 1/3 a mile away and then they make some huge, scary, dodge em car maneuver to get off and then I am way shafted and have to drive 6 more miles for the next exit because I just knew that at some point she would look in her rearview mirror and see me throwing my hands up in the air while yelling "do ya know where your accelerator is?"
#3 Blood curdling screams emitting from children in stores. Please, please, please...do not make an excuse up like "well, little Timmy is so tired, he needs a nap" because after listening to your kid for the last 27 minutes in a full throttle, ear piercing, sound barrier breaking point....I don't want to hear any excuses other than you are a deaf person and didn't realize it was happening. You thought he was just smilin' from ear to ear all this time and people were not giving you a look that would kill........nope, we were just admiring that happy little tyke of yours! Go home, get the kid some Benadryl, have a few shots yourself, sleep it off and hit Walmart at any time other than when I am there. You know how restaurants have smoking and non smoking sections? How about one Walmart in town that is non kid? I bet that place would be a zoo! Maybe a librarian could run it and everytime some adult didn't use their indoor voice, the librarian could get on the intercom and point you out on video closed circuit tv with her fingers over her mouth, stern look and a very loud SSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh. You, yeah you in the hosiery department, aisle 41, shut up. Shut up or get out. You can go to the kids walmart if you can't act like an adult. GET OUT!
Wow, I am almost getting sleepy, I think I better shut this thing off and continue with my other peeves at a different time.
I will probably be back in 3 minutes............oh mr. sandman.........is that you at the door?
Today was not my day. It was my sisters though! Her "almost new" computer (according to her, a three year old computer is the latest, greatest contraption on earth...we all know it is ready for the Smithsonian) crapped out. Of course we can all breath a sigh of relief because we all know that Kris has learned her lesson and has backed up all her records.......um nope, nope not my sister....she had nothing backed up but fortunately nothing of importance was on her computer of three years. So she got lucky because this morning it suddenly reversed it's boo boo and is once again the "little computer that could".
I want to go to sleep however I can't because of all the scary thoughts passing through my gates of brainland. I have sucked down my usual amount of sleeping aids and still nothing. I avoided all caffeine products since early noon, nothing. I ate a sensible dinner, not too much, still....nothing. I think I will call that guy about 3 a.m. and say "hey, you are ruining my dream cycle tonite so I thought I would call you and ruin yours". No, I am not bitter...where did you get an idea like that? I just can't sleep and I really can't even think of anything to write about so I am just rambling. I think I just heard my one follower click on her escape button so she could go run with the #49 sheep and then onto #50 and ugh.........I am already on 232,222,984,999 sheep and still nothing. No fair you one follower you.....you get back here and suffer along with me like any good friend would. tee hee
Maybe I should talk about road rage. I seem to excel at this illness. C'mon peeps, this is one of my pet peeves. In fact let's just go over my pet peeves.
#1 gum snapping. There is no reason to try to get $87 dollars worth of fun out of every nickel sized stick of gum...really.
#2 Passholes. yep, got a P on the front of the bad word. These are peeps that get in the passing lane on the highway and do everything BUT pass. They text, they eat their McDonalds breakfast wrap, they balance their checkbooks, they scream at their children, they rearrange their latest hair fashion, they read the latest edition of the Readers Digest, they cook a small meal on the way to the ballpark, they brush their teeth, they talk to the morning DJ...yep, they do everything but PASS. It must be some kind of road challenge to keep pace with the 127 year old man driving in the right hand lane. Seriously, I can follow someone 12 miles and they don't budge outta that left lane until there exit is 1/3 a mile away and then they make some huge, scary, dodge em car maneuver to get off and then I am way shafted and have to drive 6 more miles for the next exit because I just knew that at some point she would look in her rearview mirror and see me throwing my hands up in the air while yelling "do ya know where your accelerator is?"
#3 Blood curdling screams emitting from children in stores. Please, please, please...do not make an excuse up like "well, little Timmy is so tired, he needs a nap" because after listening to your kid for the last 27 minutes in a full throttle, ear piercing, sound barrier breaking point....I don't want to hear any excuses other than you are a deaf person and didn't realize it was happening. You thought he was just smilin' from ear to ear all this time and people were not giving you a look that would kill........nope, we were just admiring that happy little tyke of yours! Go home, get the kid some Benadryl, have a few shots yourself, sleep it off and hit Walmart at any time other than when I am there. You know how restaurants have smoking and non smoking sections? How about one Walmart in town that is non kid? I bet that place would be a zoo! Maybe a librarian could run it and everytime some adult didn't use their indoor voice, the librarian could get on the intercom and point you out on video closed circuit tv with her fingers over her mouth, stern look and a very loud SSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh. You, yeah you in the hosiery department, aisle 41, shut up. Shut up or get out. You can go to the kids walmart if you can't act like an adult. GET OUT!
Wow, I am almost getting sleepy, I think I better shut this thing off and continue with my other peeves at a different time.
I will probably be back in 3 minutes............oh mr. sandman.........is that you at the door?
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
The Time Has Come
Oh boy, it's decision time. The clock has started and I need to make a decision. Do I buy the cafe and open the cupcake/sandwich shop or do I go back to modeling? ugh. Even though the modeling is great pay, travel, hob-nob with the rich and famous...blah, blah, blah...I am just tired of trying to keep my figure at a size 4. It is almost impossible. Oh wait, wait a second....size 4? I must have been regressing to second grade. Okay, big deal, so I am not a model...so what? I bake better than any model. I can cook up a mess of grade A cookies faster than a super model can barf up her lunch! So there! Take that you skinny, bleached blonde schmuck! So here are my two choices, work for some stupid office doing work I hate 40 hours a week or bake my socks off for 80 hours a week and don't know if I would hate it or not. I love to bake but if I HAVE TO bake will it become a "job"? They both will pay the same....nothing again, as usual. At the accounting position I will have some benefits that I really don't need (after all, who needs a 401K?) and at the bakery job I will have only one benefit and that is a private, all mine bathroom. Who will cover for me if I am sick? Who will cover me if I want to fly to Hawaii for lunch? Who will cover for me if I wanna run away? What if all my employees quit and I have to work 1228 billion hours every year?? It's funny, I wanted to work about three days a week from here on out and now I am signing up for six days a week. What am I thinking? Of course, James says I have to work 5 days for someone else or 6 for myself. What is that about? See why I was looking for a rich, single plastic surgeon? James and I went through all the numbers today and I am estimating that I will gross about 32 cents the first year of business. Maybe68 cents if I put out one of those "take a penny" saucers out and steal from it every night. What if nobody ever eats there, ever? What am I going to do with 42 pounds of party ham and 14 pounds of Velveeta...oh sure, Christmas gifts but Kris hates cheese so what do I give her? Oh hey Kris, Merry Christmas, here I got you 576 straws and a half a box of coffee stirrers. David, I know how much you like plastic cutlery, and Janice, you are my favorite so here, here is your brand new, used hot dog roller and steamer. Yep everyone...Merry Christmas!!! Okay so my fears are, no one will eat there, I won't be able to make payroll even if they do show up, I will fall and knock my hip out of socket, roaches and mice will overtake my space, I will run out of Diet Coke in the machine from my constant craving of carbonation, my ice machine will break down right as I open for the first day, and a brand new "cupcakes r us" will open across the street the day after I sign the lease. Wow. Anybody know of an accounting office that needs help? WAAAAAAAAAH. I am optimistic though. I hope my mom would at least come over the first day and buy a coke. Of course, I would feel obligated to give it to her for free so that really doesn't help things. Can I right that off as a business expense I wonder? She would probably not come back.....she hates places that have bad service. I have decided on my colors for the cafe and the name so maybe it's time to take the chance and dive right in. In my earlier years, I had no fear. No fear of anything. I would fly, no problem, I would get into strangers cars while cruising the boulevard, no problem, I would drive in snow, ice, no problem. Now, I won't hardly go to the bathroom without a phone, you never know when your big toe might get stuck in the drain and you would have to call 911. I am horrified by the thought of flying, after all, what if some maintenance guy forgets to put one of the lug nuts that holds some really important wingy part of the plane back on? What if, just on the off chance that BOTH of the pilots have heart attacks, what if that giant monkey from that Twilight Zone episode comes back and it's flying on the wing? HUH?? Then what would you do? Oh sure, laugh if you want but don't be calling me on the $42 in flight phone call to tell me that monkey is back! I don't drive if it even looks like it is going to sprinkle, little alone on ice. I won't get into a strangers car anymore unless it has Arizona license tags and of course there is that bathroom phone emergency stuff. So, in my short life, I have gone from fearless to scaredy cat. If I was 23, I would think the bakery was an adventure and so what if it doesn't work out? I can always find some high paying job at the mall, folding 479,222 outifts that all the 14 year olds dumped on the floor of the dressing room! And when I got sick of that job there are still 13 places in Topeka that I haven't worked so big buzz! Oh no....who will watch the bakery when I am in Cancun every May. Uh....I don't miss Cancun for anything! Uh hello........I have to fly to get there...that is traumatic in itself! If I am willing to risk life and limb for sunny beaches well then.....
I think the previous paragraph was a little bit, well let's say it was grammatically incorrect. Is that even right? Grammatically incorrect? Boy, good thing I am not trying out for English 101 teacher of the year!
Okay, my decision is to go for it! Yep. Well until tomorrow when I change my mind and then again tomorrow afternoon and then again tomorrow night..........etc.
Ugh...why is this so hard. If this was a gift shop I would be all over it. I know how to do that. Food service? hmmmm.....I have no idea what I am even doing. I guess it is time to call the health department to get some regulation books or whatever you call them. If I am going to do this, I am going to do it right. Anyone out there know anything about running a restaurant? lol....I guess I am about to find out!
I think the previous paragraph was a little bit, well let's say it was grammatically incorrect. Is that even right? Grammatically incorrect? Boy, good thing I am not trying out for English 101 teacher of the year!
Okay, my decision is to go for it! Yep. Well until tomorrow when I change my mind and then again tomorrow afternoon and then again tomorrow night..........etc.
Ugh...why is this so hard. If this was a gift shop I would be all over it. I know how to do that. Food service? hmmmm.....I have no idea what I am even doing. I guess it is time to call the health department to get some regulation books or whatever you call them. If I am going to do this, I am going to do it right. Anyone out there know anything about running a restaurant? lol....I guess I am about to find out!
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Sunday, September 13, 2009
911? Yes I need a Hazmat team to come immediately....
What have I done....sigh...."oh sure! come on over! We'd love to have you over for cards!" And if this wasn't enough to want me to stuff an over-sized pillow in my mouth, I have to add, "How about dinner? James would LOVE to fix a meal that consists of some kind of chicken that has 2,408 ingredients along with all the fixin's!" What? What did I just say? Surely I didn't just invite people over to my house. No, no I didn't, I am just having a random nightmare and I will wake up soon and laugh it off. Whew, that was a close one. Now wake up Kelley.....uh oh......here my mouth goes again..."How about 7?" 7? What?? 7 years? That might give me enough time to clean the bathroom! I glance over at James, sitting on the couch after mowing all afternoon, only to see sheer panic written all over his face. OOOOOOOOHH NOOOOOOOOOOO........I am clamping both of my hands over my mouth praying silently....please, please, let them say "We'd love to but we both have hip surgery tomorrow at 6 a.m. and can't make it, but thanks for the invite...maybe in 2024?" Nope, no such luck..."We'd love to! What can we bring?" How about Hazmat suits?? Yeah, that would be what I would bring to my house if my immune system was not fully intact. Okay, no reason to panic, James has two full tanks of gasoline in his truck, how much time can it take to suck it out, pour it all around the perimeter of our house and light a match? POOF! Better than Merry Maids any day, I say.
For those of you that have never been invited to our house, there is a really good reason and just be thankful. We have a certain couple, R and P (no names, only initials) over twice a year, once on New Years Eve and at least one other time per year for cards. We figure this way, we will actually clean our house twice a year and that should keep the health department from closing us down. We have actually been putting off R and P for our bi-annual for months now with the excuse of the house is such a mess because we are redecorating...aka still blow torching the stains out of the toilet. ugh.
Our house really isn't "dirty", it's just...well let's say.....cluttered. Cluttered to the point of "World of Stuff". We have so much crap, that just last week I saw a family of packrats moving out of our house complaining that there just weren't enough of them to keep up with all the work. I felt really sorry for them, they looked so overworked, hunched tiny backs, little dark circles....oh well.
Yes, that was me about one hour ago. Really, put some red lipstick on this mouth, open it and there you go...instant bowling alley! ARRRRRRRRGGGGGH! Am I just stupid or is it complete insanity? I am pleading insanity for sure! That might get me a nice room at the "spa" for a few months if I am lucky.
Okay so back to panic. I assess what needs to be done the most. Assessment, everything. MAAAAAN! Okay, I send my husband one direction, I head the other. I plead with him to go get the vacuum out of the bedroom, I dash out to my car, readying for a quick get away only to realize I have forgotten my keys. He is at the door looking at me like a child being left at an orphanage when I unwillingly come back in mumbling something about I thought I saw a bear....blah, blah, blah. Ok, time to face the music (what does that mean?), I figure my first plan of attack is on the ever-growing amount of stuff on the dining room table has to be hidden somewhere, and fast! The clock is echoing every tick tock so loudly that I am wondering if it is my own heart beat or what? I quickly grab a stack of Walmart plastic bags, and start scraping mountains off the table. I figure that I can stack these bags on one of our couches and say "I am almost finished Christmas shopping but geesh, now I have to wrap all that stuff! I take a quick glance at the clock and wonder the odds of our guests having a flat tire on the way here....doubt overwhelms me, so I run in to the bathroom to dump some toilet cleaner in and then back to the kitchen. WHOOOOOOOOOOOA.........who broke in and messed up my kitchen so bad and why didn't they take anything???! Stuff in the dishwasher....dirty, stuff in both sinks, dirty, stuff all over the counter tops, dirty. NOOOOOOOO...where am I supposed to hide all this stuff? Trashcans....full. Back porch? The dogs would have a heyday! But can I really put all this stuff out on the back porch? Bugs? Crap. I have to wash all this by hand. Second glance at the clock....I call friend "T" and explain that the recipe takes longer than expected, can we change the time for one half hour later? Sure.........aaaaaaaah, I got a stay from the courts! So wash, wash, wash and wash some more. A quick drive over the big stuff on the floor with the vacuum and a few swipes with the mop, now I need a shower! I toss my shoes off, then remembering the company, pick them up when I hear....hear....what is that noise? It is irritating, I have heard it before...what is that? I know that I know that noise but just can't quite put my finger on it...it is grinding on my nerves, I can't figure out what it is, but I do know what room it is coming from...it's not fingernails on a chalk board, it's not that always annoying drip from the faucet, it's not one of the dogs puking up a wet sock....no....it's....WHAAAAAAAAAAAT!!!!-----It's football! FOOTBALL?!?!!!! I run into the living room and see my, what might be---soon to be ex-husband sitting on the couch watching football????!?!?!!! Oh no, I don't think so buddy, not unless you can show me your union card, your break is officially over! Oops, I suddenly remember that he is the one cooking so I can't even give him the evil eye, little alone yell at him! Am I going to cry? No, chin up Kelley, time to get in the shower. I realize that I haven't shaved my legs for a few days but do I really have time for that too? The only clean clothing that I have are shorts. Great. Then it dawns on me...we have invited T and N over (again, initials) and I know that T shaves more irregularly than I, so as long as we don't sit close to each other, we won't risk the chance of getting tangled up with each other. Grossssssssss. "NEXXXXXXXXXT" time for James to shower. I will finish the apple fritters while he showers. Glance at the clock (why do I do that?) it's crunch time for sure! I put all the fritters out on paper towels, run over to the freezer to get out the powered sugar to sprinkle on them, grab a spoon and start shoveling powdered sugar all over them. Note to everyone...don't wear navy blue when having a small argument with powdered sugar. Uh....is that powdered sugar or did I accidentally grab the flour? Where's my car keys? How many credit cards are in my purse and how long can I live abroad with them? I dab my finger, bring it up to my lips....please, pleeeeeease let this be sugar. Yep, whew! That was a close one! Timer is going off for the chicken, other stuff in microwave, set table, okay, I am ready. It is 7:28, two minutes to spare. I haven't mopped the kitchen but I can quickly take a few lightbulbs out of the fixtures and viola! Ambiance! Floor doesn't look too bad this way, maybe I should go around the house and take other bulbs out and claim that we are so "green" that we just don't believe in lighting anymore because we don't want to leave a "footprint". Man, that is a good idea! We don't clean with harmful substances because of the "footprint", we don't do anything because we don't want to leave our "footprint"....this is great! Who says it's not easy being "green"? This is the best thing since being laid off! I have an excuse for everything now! Kermit move over....I am now the new "green" spokesperson!!
Suddenly the phone rings....T tells me they are going to be late. Are you kidding?! Oh I don't think so, dinner is on the table, James and I are both clean, the dogs are in their kennels....oh no, where are you, cause I am coming there to kick your butt! She explains that they are just a few minutes away so I put down the hatchet and put it back into the drawer. There will be no stabbing tonite. I have just earned about five more minutes, what should I do? Dessert? Did we forget a dessert? Do Skittles qualify as a dessert? Yes. put them in a bowl, they look pretty and just say it's a fruit salad. You might laugh at this but hey, since going "green", I don't appreciate the fact that they use all those harsh, cancer causing agents on every piece of fruit brought over the border! Sounds good? Yes, Skittles it is!
Aaaah, our guests have arrived. And since they DO read my blog.....they arrived with nothing...no gift, no food, no nothing. (lol, I just have to rub that in because last time they came over I griped at the fact that they needed to bring a "hostess" gift, that they actually fell for it and brought me really cool 3-D sidewalk chalk) So anyway, here they are with nothing and I lock the door. When I see gifts, I will unlock. They remind me, screaming through the door that Sonic is close enough to us and they would rather eat there anyway. Oh alright, you big babies, come on in!
T and N glance around, noting that there are 62 different candles burning in every room of the house (to mask the "three dog smell"). I lean over toward them, whispering some incoherent sentence that went something like this "ya know, James is still a little bit upset over MJ's death and he just likes to light candles to remember his greatness, it's kind of like a shrine....but please don't say anything to him....I don't want to upset him...." then I start coughing and excuse myself to the restroom, remembering I didn't light a candle in there yet and since James was in there last.........well......
Time for dinner. T asks how I got the mash potatoes so creamy...BECAUSE THEY ARE FAKE OK!?!! FAKE POTATOES! THERE I ADMIT IT! I look around to see horror written all over the faces of my peers. I have lost it....I need to apologize for my sudden outburst but instead I put my finger in my ear and say "oh sorry, my hearing aid was way down...did I yell that? HA HA HA sorry...." I twist my finger around to make it look like I am turning up my fake hearing aid and then I go back to a normal range of voice and smile while taking a small bite of "fruit salad".
Dinner went off without a hitch, it was yummy and a huge "thank you" to James.
I tell my guests "we fixed it, you clean up". I never said I was a good hostess, and I felt this was fair since they didn't bring me a gift........lol. Oh alright, I will clean it up and T offered to help. Okay you go ahead and do it, I am going to go bowl a few lines....I will be back in a few hours. Nope, James already has the cards out. RATS! I politely ask if anyone would mind if I went a laid down for a few hours to let my overly stuffed stomach settle down and they just look at me. Cards then? I'd love to. sigh
We played, we laughed, we mocked one another, we had a great time. We played till about 2 a.m.
Now let me say that James usually doesn't stay up this late but we felt like we had to keep them until at least that time to see if there were any adverse side effects from the food or germy house stuff before they left. We didn't want them to get ill during there long drive home. We figured that if they got sick while they were here, we could just bury them out in the "dog cemetery" and score their car and credit cards. Well........they didn't bring us a gift...........so don't be looking at me like I am some evil, meth addicted, kitten killer......I figured that they at least had enough of a limit on their Visa to get a big screen plasma for James and I for our anniversary. Really, T and N would want that for us. Really!
I haven't heard from T yet and it is after noon on Sunday. This worries me a bit since she calls me everyday before noon. I don't dare call there though because if my phone # shows up on their caller ID while the police are putting up the yellow tape while chalking the body outlines, they are going to question James and I. There is no proof that we fed them last night, surely our neighbors won't rat us out....better that I just leave this alone and wait to read the obituaries for the next couple of days to see.....
For those of you that have never been invited to our house, there is a really good reason and just be thankful. We have a certain couple, R and P (no names, only initials) over twice a year, once on New Years Eve and at least one other time per year for cards. We figure this way, we will actually clean our house twice a year and that should keep the health department from closing us down. We have actually been putting off R and P for our bi-annual for months now with the excuse of the house is such a mess because we are redecorating...aka still blow torching the stains out of the toilet. ugh.
Our house really isn't "dirty", it's just...well let's say.....cluttered. Cluttered to the point of "World of Stuff". We have so much crap, that just last week I saw a family of packrats moving out of our house complaining that there just weren't enough of them to keep up with all the work. I felt really sorry for them, they looked so overworked, hunched tiny backs, little dark circles....oh well.
Yes, that was me about one hour ago. Really, put some red lipstick on this mouth, open it and there you go...instant bowling alley! ARRRRRRRRGGGGGH! Am I just stupid or is it complete insanity? I am pleading insanity for sure! That might get me a nice room at the "spa" for a few months if I am lucky.
Okay so back to panic. I assess what needs to be done the most. Assessment, everything. MAAAAAN! Okay, I send my husband one direction, I head the other. I plead with him to go get the vacuum out of the bedroom, I dash out to my car, readying for a quick get away only to realize I have forgotten my keys. He is at the door looking at me like a child being left at an orphanage when I unwillingly come back in mumbling something about I thought I saw a bear....blah, blah, blah. Ok, time to face the music (what does that mean?), I figure my first plan of attack is on the ever-growing amount of stuff on the dining room table has to be hidden somewhere, and fast! The clock is echoing every tick tock so loudly that I am wondering if it is my own heart beat or what? I quickly grab a stack of Walmart plastic bags, and start scraping mountains off the table. I figure that I can stack these bags on one of our couches and say "I am almost finished Christmas shopping but geesh, now I have to wrap all that stuff! I take a quick glance at the clock and wonder the odds of our guests having a flat tire on the way here....doubt overwhelms me, so I run in to the bathroom to dump some toilet cleaner in and then back to the kitchen. WHOOOOOOOOOOOA.........who broke in and messed up my kitchen so bad and why didn't they take anything???! Stuff in the dishwasher....dirty, stuff in both sinks, dirty, stuff all over the counter tops, dirty. NOOOOOOOO...where am I supposed to hide all this stuff? Trashcans....full. Back porch? The dogs would have a heyday! But can I really put all this stuff out on the back porch? Bugs? Crap. I have to wash all this by hand. Second glance at the clock....I call friend "T" and explain that the recipe takes longer than expected, can we change the time for one half hour later? Sure.........aaaaaaaah, I got a stay from the courts! So wash, wash, wash and wash some more. A quick drive over the big stuff on the floor with the vacuum and a few swipes with the mop, now I need a shower! I toss my shoes off, then remembering the company, pick them up when I hear....hear....what is that noise? It is irritating, I have heard it before...what is that? I know that I know that noise but just can't quite put my finger on it...it is grinding on my nerves, I can't figure out what it is, but I do know what room it is coming from...it's not fingernails on a chalk board, it's not that always annoying drip from the faucet, it's not one of the dogs puking up a wet sock....no....it's....WHAAAAAAAAAAAT!!!!-----It's football! FOOTBALL?!?!!!! I run into the living room and see my, what might be---soon to be ex-husband sitting on the couch watching football????!?!?!!! Oh no, I don't think so buddy, not unless you can show me your union card, your break is officially over! Oops, I suddenly remember that he is the one cooking so I can't even give him the evil eye, little alone yell at him! Am I going to cry? No, chin up Kelley, time to get in the shower. I realize that I haven't shaved my legs for a few days but do I really have time for that too? The only clean clothing that I have are shorts. Great. Then it dawns on me...we have invited T and N over (again, initials) and I know that T shaves more irregularly than I, so as long as we don't sit close to each other, we won't risk the chance of getting tangled up with each other. Grossssssssss. "NEXXXXXXXXXT" time for James to shower. I will finish the apple fritters while he showers. Glance at the clock (why do I do that?) it's crunch time for sure! I put all the fritters out on paper towels, run over to the freezer to get out the powered sugar to sprinkle on them, grab a spoon and start shoveling powdered sugar all over them. Note to everyone...don't wear navy blue when having a small argument with powdered sugar. Uh....is that powdered sugar or did I accidentally grab the flour? Where's my car keys? How many credit cards are in my purse and how long can I live abroad with them? I dab my finger, bring it up to my lips....please, pleeeeeease let this be sugar. Yep, whew! That was a close one! Timer is going off for the chicken, other stuff in microwave, set table, okay, I am ready. It is 7:28, two minutes to spare. I haven't mopped the kitchen but I can quickly take a few lightbulbs out of the fixtures and viola! Ambiance! Floor doesn't look too bad this way, maybe I should go around the house and take other bulbs out and claim that we are so "green" that we just don't believe in lighting anymore because we don't want to leave a "footprint". Man, that is a good idea! We don't clean with harmful substances because of the "footprint", we don't do anything because we don't want to leave our "footprint"....this is great! Who says it's not easy being "green"? This is the best thing since being laid off! I have an excuse for everything now! Kermit move over....I am now the new "green" spokesperson!!
Suddenly the phone rings....T tells me they are going to be late. Are you kidding?! Oh I don't think so, dinner is on the table, James and I are both clean, the dogs are in their kennels....oh no, where are you, cause I am coming there to kick your butt! She explains that they are just a few minutes away so I put down the hatchet and put it back into the drawer. There will be no stabbing tonite. I have just earned about five more minutes, what should I do? Dessert? Did we forget a dessert? Do Skittles qualify as a dessert? Yes. put them in a bowl, they look pretty and just say it's a fruit salad. You might laugh at this but hey, since going "green", I don't appreciate the fact that they use all those harsh, cancer causing agents on every piece of fruit brought over the border! Sounds good? Yes, Skittles it is!
Aaaah, our guests have arrived. And since they DO read my blog.....they arrived with nothing...no gift, no food, no nothing. (lol, I just have to rub that in because last time they came over I griped at the fact that they needed to bring a "hostess" gift, that they actually fell for it and brought me really cool 3-D sidewalk chalk) So anyway, here they are with nothing and I lock the door. When I see gifts, I will unlock. They remind me, screaming through the door that Sonic is close enough to us and they would rather eat there anyway. Oh alright, you big babies, come on in!
T and N glance around, noting that there are 62 different candles burning in every room of the house (to mask the "three dog smell"). I lean over toward them, whispering some incoherent sentence that went something like this "ya know, James is still a little bit upset over MJ's death and he just likes to light candles to remember his greatness, it's kind of like a shrine....but please don't say anything to him....I don't want to upset him...." then I start coughing and excuse myself to the restroom, remembering I didn't light a candle in there yet and since James was in there last.........well......
Time for dinner. T asks how I got the mash potatoes so creamy...BECAUSE THEY ARE FAKE OK!?!! FAKE POTATOES! THERE I ADMIT IT! I look around to see horror written all over the faces of my peers. I have lost it....I need to apologize for my sudden outburst but instead I put my finger in my ear and say "oh sorry, my hearing aid was way down...did I yell that? HA HA HA sorry...." I twist my finger around to make it look like I am turning up my fake hearing aid and then I go back to a normal range of voice and smile while taking a small bite of "fruit salad".
Dinner went off without a hitch, it was yummy and a huge "thank you" to James.
I tell my guests "we fixed it, you clean up". I never said I was a good hostess, and I felt this was fair since they didn't bring me a gift........lol. Oh alright, I will clean it up and T offered to help. Okay you go ahead and do it, I am going to go bowl a few lines....I will be back in a few hours. Nope, James already has the cards out. RATS! I politely ask if anyone would mind if I went a laid down for a few hours to let my overly stuffed stomach settle down and they just look at me. Cards then? I'd love to. sigh
We played, we laughed, we mocked one another, we had a great time. We played till about 2 a.m.
Now let me say that James usually doesn't stay up this late but we felt like we had to keep them until at least that time to see if there were any adverse side effects from the food or germy house stuff before they left. We didn't want them to get ill during there long drive home. We figured that if they got sick while they were here, we could just bury them out in the "dog cemetery" and score their car and credit cards. Well........they didn't bring us a gift...........so don't be looking at me like I am some evil, meth addicted, kitten killer......I figured that they at least had enough of a limit on their Visa to get a big screen plasma for James and I for our anniversary. Really, T and N would want that for us. Really!
I haven't heard from T yet and it is after noon on Sunday. This worries me a bit since she calls me everyday before noon. I don't dare call there though because if my phone # shows up on their caller ID while the police are putting up the yellow tape while chalking the body outlines, they are going to question James and I. There is no proof that we fed them last night, surely our neighbors won't rat us out....better that I just leave this alone and wait to read the obituaries for the next couple of days to see.....
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