One week down, 30 some to go

Wow, passed bed baths with flying colors and now onto vitals and changing the occupied bed. Yes, I can see the green in your eyes. You might laugh but you try to unmake and remake an occupied bed with a 300 pound mannequin in it! Let me give you some idea of what it is like. Try eating an elephant in one bite or maybe trying to smuggle a piece of lunch meat past my dogs kennell without them noticing. How about trying to replace my Frito's at lunch with broccoli? Sure, you try it and see how easy it is!

Today we practiced vital signs. Consists of temperature taking, orally and earrally. WHAT??!! Earrally isn't a word? Anyway, then onto pulse, blood pressure and respiration. So we are going over all this intriguing material (zzzzzzzzzzz) and the teacher asks me if I need alcohol. Ummm...what? Okay, now I am thinking HECK YES! Bring on the strawberry margarita's, a little salt on the rim of the specimen cup and let's party! Man, who knew nursing school would be as much fun as a drink and drown Friday night! Bring it on baby! First round is on me! I figure that I couldn't get any worse on vitals so maybe a few daiquiris wouldn't hurt the situation at all! So bring it on, fill up the emesis basin and I will take the diaphragm off my stethoscope and use the tubing for a straw! Yes sirree.....I have no idea on earth at this point why there is a nursing shortage! For heavens sake----all my friends are going to hop on this bandwagon! Uh oh....after my face lit up like a kids on Christmas Day, POP!---bubble burst. Yes, the teacher follows up on my order of two olives, dirty, shaken not stirred with.......sigh.....alcohol to wipe the thermometer off with. I KNEW IT! I knew there was a catch! Cripes, just my luck. Now not only do I not get to drink at school, I have to clean up some mercury filled, slobbery germ stick! hmmmph! Here is the worst part of all this story.....I don't even drink. Of course, I am fairly certain that if I stay in nursing school crack will become part of my morning routine. Oh and on that note, hospitals are starting to regulate narcotics even more now. It will soon be that ONLY RN's and DRS can drop narcotics into the mouths of the people I refer to as "the lucky ones". Yep, no more Med Aids, no more LPNS, no more high school students, and no more dirty cops can hook you up to the best, most addictive drugs known to man. Oh wait, those last two were illegal to begin with, and make gazillions of dollars whereas the other two professions who make minimum wage, feet the size of Tulsa after their 12 hour shifts, can no longer dispense narcs out of a gumball machine. Okay, what is that about? How am I suppose to make a side living if I can't smuggle illegal drugs out of the hospital? Did they really think I was willing to take a $17 hour job with no benefits other than the 10 percent discount in the employee cafeteria? WOOHOO the beanie wienie surprise is a discounted $2.43 for me today!!! So what now? Hey...psssssssst....(opening rain coat) wanna buy some new tongue depressers? How about some alcohol swabs for your little sister? Okay, I can see some of you are thinking about telling your husband, the newly appointed DEA agent that wants a few brownie points, "hey, I know this girl that is starting her own Walgreens out of the trunk of her car....", don't even think about it. I was only kidding. I would never steal drugs from the hospital...they count those things. Really, think about it, if I was going to do that I would work in the Alzheimer's unit and just tell them they already took the med while I pocket it. Duh! STOP IT!-----I AM KIDDING! But if you need something call me at 555-drug. I'M KIDDING!!! Get over it!

So, I am still in school and have successfully completed 7 days now. I have only considered dropping out 5,678,989 times. Oops sorry, James said there was an addition 4 times to that but I really don't think I can count one of them because it was in one of my dreams where I dropped out of nursing school to become a pinball wizard. WARNING...I cannot be responsible if you now have that song replaying in your head for the next 35 hours.

I have until Friday to get my money back on my books and only be charged 10% tuition. I haven't decided yet to stay or go (the pinball wizard sounded pretty good to me) but I told myself that I would flip a coin tomorrow to determine my fate. So far in my life I have always weighed the pros and cons and that is how I made my decisions. Let me say, I have now scientifically proven that, that is no way to determine anything. Always, always, leave it up to someone else so you can blame them later or take old Abe for a ride on the "FingerCoaster" and it's either heads or tails. 50/50 chance. Then go for the the best three outta five if it doesn't go your way. You can do this until Abe's copper covering is worn down to a melted pit of unknown alloys for all I care just don't do this yourself or someone, somewhere, some time will say "You only did this to yourself". OH SHUT UP! BITE ME!

Later this week I have a math test. Not too worried about it. All questions like "If a patient is to take a med 3 times a day for one week, how many pills should the pharmacy give him?" My answer is 8. I know this isn't correct but 8 is my favorite number so I figure at some point, it will be the right number. And why should I have to answer this anyway? I am not a pharmacist! Doesn't a pharmacist have to have as much schooling as a brain surgeon? Okay, if the pharmacist has to depend on me, the LPN to multiply 3 x 7, shouldn't he be asking their customer if they would like to SuperSize their fries? WAAAAAAAAit a minute....that would be funny...go to Walgreens, get a refill for morphine and the pharmacist says "would you like to supersize that?" "Heck yes!"

Oh my, I thought that was funny, tomorrow I will wonder what I was thinking...I think I need sleep. I feel like I have slumber party syndrome. You girls know...after staying up until 4 am, anything is funny? Even your own frozen bra is good for a giggle? ugh. Good night.