This isn't school, this is a prison term!

Holy moly...school bites.

Just finished my 3rd week of class and still asking myself why I did this. For the sake of my sanity, I am no longer calling this adventure "school", I will now refer to it as "my prison term". I am not sure what I was found guilty of to endure this kind of punishment, I haven't killed anyone, haven't sold drugs at the local elementary school yard, I can't even say that I have stole a pack of Parliament Lights or a quick guzzle from the slushy machine from Apoo at the kwikie mart. So why? What have I done that is so bad? Okay, maybe my niece Gail and I have gone a smidgen too far once in a while, but I am almost sure that I will be punished for that in the afterlife. So I ask you...why?

Monday through Friday, at 8:10 am, I walk into a room that I am sure that Helen Keller decorated on one of her bad days, only to find 28 other women dressed in identical outfits consisting of a white scrub top, followed by blue scrub pants. Maybe a fad? Maybe they are all trying to help a new designer get a new line launched? Maybe I am just delusional or maybe my eyesight is declining after years of not wearing sunglasses at the pool? After surveying the room, wondering what the name of the color of the cinder blocks are painted...is that maybe a dirty yellow? would you consider that color "paste"? I quietly decide to call it "wintry hospital smoothie". I need something fantastic in my life and if it boils down to a nice paint name, then so be it!

So, here I am standing in this "wintry hospital smoothie" room, wondering if I have died and gone straight to hell without even be granted the "really, I didn't mean it God" interview, when I hear "CLANK!"....what the heck?.....I turn around, I see the sliding bars, darkness surrounding me, dropping down into a chair, blindly feeling my way across my desk top only to find my torn chunk of day old bread and tin cup filled with stagnant water. As tears stain my cheeks I now remember this!---I thought this was just a bad dream that I had been having because of the nacho cheese dorito/oreo/cottage cheese/spam sandwich dinner combo last night! Ooooh noooo....this?---this is my life now! Ever seen that movie "groundhog day"? After the darkness seems to drift away like fog on a nice fall day, I squint, seeing the "warden" opening her Pharmacology book. NOOOOOOOOOOO!!! It doesn't do any good to scream at this point, it is over. Not even one of my infamous "throw myself on the floor, foot kicking, hand pounding" fits is going to help me now. Sigh. Sneaking a glance at the clock, I notice that the are pointing at 8:11. How did this all happen in less that 60 seconds? I try to refrain from looking at the clock again but can't understand how this all happened so quickly! I can't help myself, one more peek at the clock....AYEEEEEEEE!..The numbers on the clock have disappeared only to be replaced by the international symbol of eternity!

My first day of prison, I choose to sit in the very back of the room, closest to the door. I was strictly basing my choice on the thought if there was a fire in this room, what is the closest "out"? Now I am thinking "when I start the fire....I will be the first out" AND the first to close the door behind me! Sorry, every man for himself theory is now my creed.

The warden jars my attention by speaking in tongue. I know this might seem shocking..tongue you ask? Yes, it went something like this....

If Mr. Sphincter comes into the hospital complaining of painful urination and the doctor instructs you to give him 500,000 units of Ohtylisnlimaimine but you only have a bottle of the generic Pyxtropanobailate that has the total volume of 1 gram after diluting it with 1.4 milliliters of normal saline, how many micrograms would you inject into him and where? And how many total doses would be left in the vial after dispensing this under the drs. orders "q6hr unless adverse reactions....."

What?

Is that French? Piglatin? What?

I figure this is a good time for me to grab a quick catnap. Uh oh, she is looking at me...oh no...oh boy, I don't think I am going to be able to con my way out of this one. Yes, I can nail almost any job interview by faking all kinds of skills that I do not possess but this? nope, don't think so.

"So, Kelley, how would we start this equation?" Okay, time for me to plan my escape. I grab my plastic spoon from my Hello Kitty lunch box, planning to tunnel my way through say...oh I don't know, possibly 2 foot of cement underlying the tiled floors, possibly 10000 yards out to my Mercedes in the parking lot? I don't think that's going to work. I think quickly...c'mon, c'mon Kelley, you can do this....you can get out of this! YOU GO GIRL! I know I have to move quickly, I have to come up with something fast....okay here it is....I will make myself throw up all over my desk and person in front of me. I figure that maybe she can do me the same favor at a later date.....maybe on a test day? C'mon girl, you had a big bowl of Cocoa Puffs this morning covered with one day past the date of human consumption milk poured all over it...you can do this! I panic, it's not coming up! What am I going to do? C'mon think! She isn't going to let you stall too much longer! AHA! The old "uh oh, I think my insulin pump has quit working" con. YES! Just on a side note...for all of you that feel sorry for me because I am diabetic...don't. At times like these, I consider myself lucky. Anyway, I am just about to blurt this out, you know, the "OH MY GAAAAWD.......my pump!! My pump has quit working!!! OH MY!! EMERGENCY!!! call 911!!!" when I remember, crap, the warden is a nurse. Of all the luck. I quietly admit that I don't know how to start the equation. Did I just hear a gasp from the girl in the second row, 3 seats back? Creepy little girl anyway, she probably stayed up studying till 10 last night, ate some kind of healthy yogurt snack, brushed her teeth, said her prayers and went to bed after removing her make up. Yeah, whatever....I'll see her after school! If you are going to gasp, I am going to...

Okay, the clock has started to move again. It is lunch time! WOOHOO!! Of the 45 minutes that we are allowed to eat, I spend 41 minutes of that time trying to get out of the parking lot among the other 4.8 million people trying to escape. While waiting patiently in traffic behind the boys attending the vocational auto fix em up program, I realize that every one of them has WAY too much rubber on their tires or maybe it is part of their grade to see how much rubber they can lay on the way out of the lot. Either way, I am assuming that it is going to be a fight to the end to see who graduates Summa Cum Laude from this class. They all excel at this test! Okay so I am out of the parking lot, happily on my way to McDonalds when I glance at the clock. CRIPES...time to turn around and go back. No lunch for me today. Well I think I spotted some ABC gum on the bottom of my desk earlier when I was trying to hide under it if called upon for another Pharmacology question. I am seriously hoping that it is one of those kinds that has long lasting flavor, not an old piece of Juicy Fruit that no longer is capable of being Juicy nor the capacity of being fruity. ugh. When I get back to the dungeon, the girl in front of me is having more fun than that of a being contender at the national tiddly winks competition with her gum only to find out that that was the piece I had already called dibs on! What else could happen today? I am hungry, I am stupid, I don't want to be here.....now my freaking ABC gum has been lifted! Note to self....I will not throw up on the girl in front of me next time we have a pop quiz. no sirree...you're on your own baby! I secretly bow my head and pray she chokes on it. CHOKE? CRAP!!!----I could have pretended to choke when the warden asked me about that question!! Why didn't I think of that earlier???? Now, it comes to me! sigh.

I don't think I need to go any further explaining the rest of the day. No reason rehashing the past. I have earned a weekend pass and I am freeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!! Free until, I have to open my books and read some ridiculous amount of reading and making of 9, 673 drug cards. Yes, I have earned a weekend pass that equates to the pleasure of having hemorrhoids.

Have a nice weekend.