Cinnamon Roll Fiasco

Okay, so last night I get the nerve to try to bake cinnamon rolls from scratch. Why? Why would I do this when Rhoads sells some darn good honker cinnamon rolls in your nearby frozen food section? Here is my answer...I wanted to see if I could fix BETTER ones. Answer: No I cannot. WAAAAAAAAIt........ a minute though...for those of you who are into quantity over quality, then this cinnamon roll is for you! My recipe said that this batch would provide 15 large rolls. According to my "cutting the loaf in 1 1/2 inch sections" skills...my batch made 6. Okay, so they were the size of Utah and had enough icing on each one to make the USDA Food Pyramid shudder, weighing in at about 2.4 gazillion calories each. At one point in time, I looked in the oven to see if they were rising and I lived in fear that they would grow right out of the oven, slamming the oven door open, pinning me up against the kitchen wall, enabling me from grabbing the phone to dial 911. Seriously, watching these things grow 37 trillion times their original size was like watching my butt growth over the last 14 years in fast forward motion. That is not a sight I want to share with anyone...I came close to losing my own corneas.

I realize that this was my first try and I don't think it could have gone much worse. I am giving myself 5 points just because they did actually raise. Oh, and an additional .3 points because the icing was mega yummy. So a total of 5.3 points to me. Now, I am not going to tell you this was a scale based on the highest being a 10 or 100 or even 1,000 because my ego can't take the crushing blow.

I have learned one lesson from this experiment though-any recipe that says the words "knead dough for the rest of your life" or "knead dough until your arms fall off at the shoulder" should never be attempted at home without paramedics standing by. About half way through the kneading I was tempted to grab one of the dogs, shave him bald, toss the dough on the floor and let him wrestle with it to get that "rubbery" consistency. That recipe was insane! My new mantra is...never fix anything with more than 3 ingredients and one of those has to be water. Not water at 110 degrees, just water. What is that about? 110 degrees? How am I supposed to know what 110 degrees feels like? Yeah, yeah, I know thermometer...whatever.

Okay, so now I realize that cinnamon rolls are not going to be my "signature" recipe. No Oprahs favorite things for me this week. BUT----what do you guys think about this?--way off the subject but....do we all agree that caskets are boring? Like I said in my earlier blog that I would be buried in a giant foil cupcake wrapper....well, what if you loved hot dogs? Your body could lie in state in a giant hot dog bun or maybe if you loved beer your body could lie in state in a giant aluminum Coors can with your head coming out of the "pop tab" part? Better yet, a big frosty mug with the beer foam head replaced by your own head sitting on a pillow of that white stuffing that they put in cheap plush products? And the pillow could be in the shape of a screw off bottle cap? I know you are asking yourself right this minute..."Why hasn't this girl made millions?" I ask myself this every day. I have so many ideas in this tiny, minuscule head of mine that I just KNOW that one of my ideas is going to be replacing the ads for SHAMWOW towels any day now.

Speaking of shamwows...that guy.....has anyone glanced at the latest FBI most wanted list because I am almost sure he might be on it. He freaks me out more than the creepy dude on the Burger King commercials.

Today I filled out an application at my old grade school which is now in "the hood". After sending off the resume I dreamed of stooping over to drink from the water fountains of my childhood and visiting the delicious smells wafting from the cafeteria and then WHAM!---reality check!!---I would now be in the principals office more than I was back in the 60's and I would be the one with fresh vomit being projectiled on my new shoes by every 3rd grader there! Aaahh...and the lice, the lice is such a nice thought, doesn't that just have Hallmark written all over it? The only thing I can say for this position is that you only have to work 9 months of the year so that means you can spend an enjoyable 3 months during your summer off at a nearby spa....aka...asylum, recovering from 500 children under the age of 11 under one roof that need you for everything from pant wetting to switchblade arsenals in their lockers. What have I done? All this for $11 an hour. That won't even pay for my first therapy session!

The bottom line here is, I need a job. I don't know what I want to do but I do know that I want to buy more stuff at some point in my life so I need a job. Hobby Lobby is soon going to give my "customer of the year" parking place away to someone else if I don't see a paycheck pretty quick. The cashiers at Target don't know me by name anymore and Coach? I can't even go there. It's too upsetting...I haven't had the fresh smell of Coach leather penetrate my nostrils for so long that I am afraid that the next time I am in their fine store, I will pass out due to my leather resistance is down! $11 an hour...isn't that against the law? How am I supposed to keep on the latest handbag at $11 an hour? I hear ya right now saying "Some people don't even have enough money to feed their families and you are worried about a new purse?"....yes, I am. So there you have it, I am an ungrateful little brat, selfish....etc...but by golly, I will never, ever, not in a billion years be caught dead with "pleather". I will go to my grave before I carry a purse from Kmart, yes, and it will be in the foil cupcake wrapper so there!